Wanting Death
by Weissangel24
Summary: The heart felt sorrows of a pilot who has given up hope. (recommended Tissue alert!.)


Wanting Death  
  
By  
Weissangel24  
06/08/04  
  
Warnings: R This fic contains implied Shounen ai, suicidal themes, and mild  
language.  
If this bothers you (or you're underage)  
Either don't read or keep your comments to yourself.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or its characters.  
::Goes into a full fledged Wu Fei Injustice rant::  
I'm not making any money off of this.  
::'Nother rant::  
  
I am the self-nominated Queen of Sap  
(And I think I earn my title!)  
  
Comments and Criticisms are welcomed, just please don't be nasty about  
them.  
  
Thank you, Free Skylark for beta'ing this!  
  
-  
Weissangel24  
  
Wanting Death  
  
Everything I ever knew to be true. . . Everything I believed to be true. . . Was nothing more than a rouse to keep me from the ugly reality. The reality that nothing is as it seems. And even those whom you would trust with your life. . . Your heart. . .  
  
. . . will eventually betray you.  
  
Even as my fingers fly across the keys, the sting of betrayal poisons me, threatening to end my very existence. My blood boils and my heart aches at what could have. . . should have been.  
  
It is my own fault, I suppose. I was too eager to trust. . . to open with my secrets. Too desperate for his affections.  
  
I am a fool.  
  
I am a fool for thinking he could change. An even bigger one for believing that he loved me.  
  
I should have known. . .  
  
I've searched for a solution; for a way. . . to at least remain friends. But he wants no part of it. He's so disgusted with me that I'm as tolerable as a rancid maggot infested carcass that is only fit for vultures and other garbage eaters.  
  
What? You think I'm being too hard on myself? That's nice, but those were he own words. What can I say?  
  
The truth hurts.  
  
I sit here at my desk, thinking. Thinking of what might have changed if I had behaved differently. If I had kept my secrets to myself.  
  
You see. . . Every person has his or her demons to contend with. . . Some people, like myself, have more than their fair share of them. Ugly, vicious beasts with a thirst for blood and a hunger that would devour souls.  
  
My demon's frightened him off before we even had a chance.  
  
Maybe it wasn't my fault after all. Or maybe, I'm just trying to come up with piss-poor excuses to alleviate my sense of guilt.  
  
Anything to make myself feel better. . .  
  
Oh, my love, my Koi. . . I miss you so much. I long to be in your arms, to feel your warmth. Was what we had so unbearable? Was it so wrong? Every ounce of my being screams for you. Don't you see? I'm nothing without you. I need you.  
  
I'm like the living dead.  
  
Without you. . . there is no reason for my existence. No purpose to drive me to draw in my next breath. No desire to see the next sunrise. Hell, I can't even bear to watch this final sunset. . .  
  
It's too painful seeing you with another. It stabs at my soul, tearing at my heart! I can't stand it! I can't stand it for one more minute! Not even another second!  
  
And so. . . I choose to end it. I choose to escape this reality once and for all.  
  
This knife that I draw across my wrists. . . This flowing river of my life's essence. . . Brings a frighteningly peaceful comfort to me. . .  
  
I know that I'll be free. I'll be free once and for all from the lies and deceptions. . . And I know. . . that the sting of betrayal will no longer hurt me.  
  
My love, my Koi. . . If any part of you has any compassion towards me. . . I beg that it not allow you to feel guilty because of the decision I have made.  
  
Please, My love, my Koi. . . please forgive me. . .  
  
As the world grows dark around me. . . I find myself filling with unexpected regret. . . I almost. . . . . .almost. . . Wish that even though I would never be with you. . . That I could at least be around to hear your voice. . . . . .to see your face. . .  
  
And I realize. . .  
  
That I'm going to be even more alone than before. . . And with that realization. . . . . .I cannot help the tears that cascade down my cheeks.  
  
Perhaps. . . In another life. . . We'll be meant for each other?  
  
Wait for me?  
  
-Quatre R. Winner A.C. 198 


End file.
